I realized that I�m stuck in a bit of a rut as far as my paintings go. I think part of the reason I�m stuck here is because I�m trying to do too much, and I�m listening very closely to my inner critic. In my mind, as I paint, there are a slew of teachers and artists from every video I�ve watched saying �No no no� and �Bad bad bad.� �Never do this.� And �It�s ok to do that.� The criticism I�m giving myself as I paint gets in the way of my goal, which is to just show something beautiful.

Tonight, because I�m so deafened by that inner critic, I decided to paint something that would piss him off. I decided to get garish colors, to paint a trite sunset, to put the viewer in the middle of the road where he shouldn�t be. I decided to make an overly simple composition, and use the wrong brush for everything. The results are above.

I also decided to pretend to like my paintings from now on. I am sick of the inner critic winning so often, I�m sick of looking at every painting and seeing the failure. So, I�m going to start pretending to like my paintings. I�m going to be unafraid of criticism. I�m going to paint with more abandon, and care less about whether or not my painting is amateurish or wrong. I�m going to say I like these paintings – that I�m proud of them – even that *gasp* they are good.

I won�t apologize any more. I won�t hide behind inexperience. I won�t rip them all to pieces and showcase my insecurities any more. I�m going to paint what I want, how I want, and I�m going to force myself to admire the outcome until I actually do like what lands on the paper. If I do it right, it won�t be obvious when I�m pretending to like a painting, and when I really do. I need to kick the shit out of this inner critic, and this seems like a safe way to do that.

But first, I�m going to rest.

I have painted almost every day for the past seven months (I think I�ve missed maybe twenty days total), and I think I should stop for a bit – let my inner artist sleep and rest. I�m going to take two weeks off of painting. It�s going to be a challenge for me. And I�m kind of worried that if I do, I won�t come back. But I�m starting to realize that �improving� and �learning� has taken over this hobby for me. I want to improve, I want to learn. But more than being �good� I want to make something beautiful. I don�t want to care if it�s wrong, as long as it�s beautiful.

As for these paintings – I actually do like them. They are good renditions of that mood when the sun is setting after a light rain. I like the fact that it�s during sunset. I like the way the colors wash together. I like the perspective, and the illusion of depth created by blurred, grey atmosphere. I like the shadows and the way the road looks wet, as if it has rained recently. I like the lighting, and the way the light is trapped in the puddles that aren�t puddles in the road. And, I think these are both beautiful, and well crafted.

See you in a couple of weeks.